Fluctuate

I seem to find myself flying high one moment and sinking towards the depths of despair the next.

It has been a new experience and of late, has become more of a recurring one.

I question myself.  Why has it never been an issue before?

I seem to think that I've always been very good at having my brain firing the "no pity party for you sunshine.  Here's your butt kick and you'd better get something done in the next hour... or else!" to my heart and soul which has obediently fallen in line.  But as it inevitably learns, rebelling is possible and can be quite a good feeling too regardless of its impact on the overall picture.

This year I've allowed myself to wallow.  Some people say you need to, some people say you don't.

I don't know.  I thought it may be good for my soul and to help me heal so I tried it.  I'm still not convinced.


All I know is that deep down inside of me, there is something that aches.  I feel like I'm grieving for something.  I don't know what it is and I can't seem to fix it.  It's dull, it's deep.   It's eating away at the hope I once seemed to have.

I don't like rollercoaster emotion and I used to be good at keeping it pretty steady.  Yup.  Used to.

Don't get me wrong - I know all the "right" things to do as my brain keeps firing them at me but the rest of me has finally learnt how to block it out.

Some days it's good.  Some days it's not.  Today, I feel at a loss.