Hindsight

Have you ever known that something was going to happen even before it did?
Just the feeling that if something wasn't done, it could lead to other things?

Friday night, I stood and watched. Like they say, it always happens in slow motion.
Or you could see it the other way- it just happened so fast.
I saw it coming. The accident waiting to happen. I stepped towards it.
Then the voice in my head said, it's not school. It's not your responsibility. Go home.
So I took a step back. And watched as the reel in my head came to life.

Being a teacher has made me more aware and also more paranoid.
I dream things will happen before they do or don't happen.
I imagine all these different scenarios which may or may never occur.
What sort of a life is this? Living through one nightmare after another.
I feel like I'm living my life thinking of all the worst things that could happen.
And then feeling that it is my responsibility to clean up the mess and save the world.

Am I able to save the world?
Even on my best days, the answer seems to be a resounding no.
Even I know that.

Perhaps a step in the right direction.

I've made a few bad decisions in my day but I generally try to keep them far and few in between. I guess having a lack of experience has really not helped in recent times, with my logic and sense not really stepping in when I'd had hoped it would most. Not using head and heart, rather purely relying on one or the other.

Luckily, the reel that came to life was sorted out pretty quickly. I'm eternally grateful to the paramedics who work 24/7 and are able to sort situations out quickly. I'm still not sure why I have a senior first aid qualification. I was hoping it would help me out sometime but it's all still in the head.

There seems to be lots flowing through my mind. Too much. It starts, it stops. Almost like a thought network where the thoughts are scheduled to get from point A to point B but decide mid way that they are going to stop because they are having a mid life crisis causing collisions as they fail to clear the path for the next thought scheduled for 7:47am. And they are becoming a regular occurrence. Who pays for the cleanup? I'm not quite sure. Perhaps if they were still running in Japan, the cost for the cleanup would go to the parents. Odd. Not quite sure why it's a deterrent.

Stepping back and watching as the reel plays, a feeling of being lost in the moment overwhelms. It feels like you're watching one of those movies where you've already figured out what happens next. Oh well, if only they could stop the chain of events happening. Next time maybe.

Then, you realise. It's not a passive state of being. It's not a spectator sport. Wake up. It's happening right before your eyes.

The worst thing is knowing that you were the catalyst and realising that you could have stopped it before it happened.